Primitive Rubbish People Blog Entries

CBGB’s, the famous music joint that has gloriously seeded up the Bowery in New York for more than 30 years closed its doors for the last time yesternight. Having personally walked through the doors of CBGB’s myself I felt a need to pay homage. Of course, in 2008 I might be here telling y’all about […]

Oh man…there were so many times we probably should’ve died.

The WT parents have their own ways of keeping their kids in line: drugging the baby bottle, a few sharp raps to the noggin, the creation of monsters.

Just check out this costume:

In the grocery store today, I happened upon the glorious sight that begins to emerge every time this year: The Hickory Farms Sausage Gift Sets Display.

One horrible, horrible day, Shane West ruined Doritos for me.

Expect many an entry Halloween-related, as it is the best day of the year and all. It is also a White Trash-approved holiday.

“I could make you a vampire,” Stella Mae offered. “Then we could rule the night and nobody could mess with us.”

“You know, Runt, I think your mama might need some good blood, too.”

She spit it out and glared at Runt. “You’ll be sorry for that, when I come in the dead of night to suck out your blood.”

Alice sashayed to the center of the circle, her butt wiggling beneath the short green uniform skirt.

With Halloween so near, a girl’s thoughts turn to sweets. Nobody eats more candy than White Trash kids. It’s a major food group. It’s a cheap way to shut the kid up, and since WT parents don’t give a damn if their kid runs wild as long as it’s outside the house/trailer, the sugar high isn’t a problem.

I am proud to say that my ass broke dozens of hairbrushes and paddles in my youth.

Some people called my Aunt Lizzie stark raving mad. Others said she was a stinking drunk. Whatever she was, she was the best damn aunt around.

Alice hauled herself to her feet. “Whatever. She farts and I’ll prove it. Of course, hers probably smell like roses.”

Aunt Donna squinted at the screen. “Bob Barker is handsome for an older man, don’t you think?”

And stop being so pretentious. There’s nothing a WT hates more than pretension, and you’ll get called on it. Uncle Clyve never strutted around like he was God’s gift to women; he stayed humble and knew who he was, just a man lucky enough to possess a gift. He didn’t make women apply to go out with him, wait weeks or months before calling them back, do a little strut, and after all that, end up showing up at the bar with a skank.

You could hear the sighs of relief from parents everywhere when kids finally headed back to school last month. This is where they make their mistake. Interacting with kids is hard. You should handle playtime, and summer vacation, the WT way.

Why do they marry so quickly? Do they just like getting divorced? Just because someone is kind of hot or will buy you ugly man-jewelry after your crappy Boy Band days are over does not a true love make. Have they no idea what true love is? I suppose I’m lucky, as I saw an example of true love at age eight.

Yeah, old lady porn’s really big right now. It’s the new fetish.She’s all, Why aren’t you potty trained yet? I’M potty trained. All my friends make fun of me ‘cuz my man’s still in diapers. So I had enough and told her,Listen, beeyotch, you ain’t been no good to me since you got teeth, so get steppin’.Now she’s all pissed and saying her new boyfriend’s gonna kick my ass or some shit.