Nip/Tuck - “Merrill Bobolit”
Welcome to another episode of Nip/Tuck – and as usual, with another episode comes more carazeeee drama for these kooks. Which plotline should we start with today? Oh, how about Kimber and Matt – that’s always a good, fun place to start. So, Kimber and Matt go to Sean and Christian’s office for a consult of some sort. In the midst of said consult, they tell Christian and Sean that they got married a few days earlier. Obv, Christian and Sean are shizzocked – both men know what kind of woman Kimber is, and know that she is the WORST possible person to be with Matt. All the disapproval aside, Kimber reminds them that she is actually there for a consultation, and the boys will be performing the surgery for free. They’re like WHOA WHAT? She tells them that doing the surgery will be in their best interest since it’s to have her implants removed so her BABY CAN BREAST FEED. There it is – WHAMMO. Kimber and Matt are preggeroonies. Christian, however, isn’t convinced that said baby is really Matt’s – he’s actually convinced that it’s HIS baby. Christian tells Sean that he and Kimber shtupped recently and he is positive that baby isn’t Matt’s.
Skip to Kimber, Matt, Julia and a Scientology freaky mid-wife all talking in some creepy pro-Xenon room. The mid-wife is talking to them about Silent Birth, why the Scientologists encourage it, and why it’s important for the unborn baby to come into the world with absolutely no screaming banshee behavior. Kimber is clearly still trying to get around this asking if she can at least say, “ouch,” which of course is not allowed according to Lord Xenu. Kimber’s feeling a little queasy and sends Matt to get her water. Not in a nice, cute “we just got married” kinda way. It was more like a “I’m a total bitch and now you’re stuck with me” kinda way. Julia is obv concerned about her son being stuck with this b’snotch. Matt does not get said water order correct – bringing flat instead of bubbly – and Kimber flips out saying she’s unsure of how he will be a good father when he can’t even get water right. Wow, she’s really a winner. Julia is obv concerned about her son’s welfare, and Kimber picking up on this, starts telling Julia that she’s probably just having confused feelings about becoming a grandmother. Bitch fights ensue – blah blah blah you slept with both his dads blah blah blah you’re a whore. Christian knocks at the door and tells Kimber she’s having her boobs removed tomorrow in the am.
Skip ahead to Kimber’s surgery. Christian’s prepping her, and busts out a sonogram machine “to monitor the baby.” Kimber says that’s very sweet, but…she doesn’t get why that’s necessary to take out her silicone. The nurse doesn’t get it either – and her involvement in the scene is by far my favorite part of this episode. Once Kimber goes down and the silicone is gone – whammo, out comes that sonogram machine again and a big ole needle. The nurse is horrified – what are you doing blah blah blah this is wrong blah blah blah. Christian says he’s getting DNA so he can prove that the baby is his and not Matt’s. The nurse says that she’s going to tell Kimber what happened, and Christian could care less. In fact, Christian tells Matt himself his plan to prove that the baby is his. Matt is, of course, horrified, but…Christian is on a mission. They exchange some not-so-sweet father/son wishes – Matt saying he wants to be a good dad and husband, Christian saying that Kimber only married Matt to get back at him – it’s all so warm and fuzzy. In the end, it turns out the baby was NOT Christian’s at all – to Christian’s complete and utter shock.
Can I get a “wazzup” for plotline numero dos – Sean, Julia, and Marlowe the petite former nanny. This whole cluster-f of a story starts out with Sean furiously painting over the dark and depressing mural Marlowe painted on the wall of Conor’s nursery. Julia comes in and in a rather distressed tone asks why Sean is painting over the mural. He says that he hates the mural, he hates Marlowe, and now that he’s no longer the nanny he won’t be offending anyone by painting the room. Julia wishes that he’d asked her first, but that’s really just because she has feelings for Marlowe and wants to believe that no one knows about it. Then we get a little blah blah blah Marlowe accepted Conor and his disability whereas Sean didn’t – yeah, well, maybe that’s because Marlowe also has a disability and somehow people forget that Sean did too – Sean’s was fixable though, Marlowe’s isn’t, but even Marlowe tried to “fix” his disability. Hellooooo, didn’t Julia pay attention last episode when she shtupped the guy?
Sean, totally knowing that Julia and Marlowe are having an affair, goes to visit Marlowe at his apartment/studio to confront/intimidate/step on him. Clearly Marlowe appears confused as to why Sean is there, but come on – seriously – could he really be that confused. He did just shtup the guy’s wife and then it’s all “wah, why are you here, wah.” There’s a lot of small talk here – paintings, why Marlowe backed out of the leg lengthening surgery … actually, that’s really it. But he really wanted Marlowe to admit he had an affair with Julia. Did he outright admit it finally? Eh, not so much. But Sean read between the lines. He knew. The craziest/most awkward part about this scene was when Marlowe asked Sean if he was going to punch him, and proceeds to step on a step ladder to be eye level with Sean. I was like, take it like the little man you are if he punches you – you’re strong dude – who cares if you come up to his knees! In the end, Sean does not punch Marlowe but he does tell him that he painted over the mural and then walks out of the apartment.
Sean and Christian are in surgery performing a lipo suction and Sean asks about Michelle. Christian says she’s dealing with Burt’s death and the subsequent arrangements. Sean tells Christian that Julia is having an affair with Marlowe, and Christian tells him that he’s paranoid – just because he had an affair with the nanny does not mean she is. Christian tells Sean he doesn’t believe Kimber’s kid is Matt’s – he’s convinced it’s his own since he recently had sex with Kimber. Says he is going to figure out a way to prove it’s his in order to get Matt out of this mess. Sean leaves the operating room, and through the window appears Dr. Merrill Bobolit – smiling and waving.
Sean is in the nursery with Julia. She tells him that he did a good job on the paint – and in my most humble opinion it’s MUCH better and baby appropriate. The tension between the two is tangible, though, especially when Sean makes a comparison between the fresh coat of paint on the wall and making a fresh start in their marriage. Julia spills it – she tells Sean about her affair with Marlowe. He goes into ballistic mode – asking question after question about the affair. There’s a lot of mumbojumbogobbledeegook about truth and how truth is all that could salvage the marriage. It seems that this outpouring of truth made the two really hot in the pants for each other, because within one minute of this confession they’re shtupping like newlyweds against the wall. Nowhere in this encounter, though, does Sean admit to his affair with Monica. Yeah, real honest. We’ll get to that toward the end, but I gots to tie that in with plotline numero three, so stick with me!
And here we are, the final stop on our tour of this Nip/Tuck episode – plotline number three starring Dr. Merrill Bobolit, Escobar, and the acid reflux that is Sylvio Perez. Yes, these guys are back and ready to cause some trouble again. Merrill rears his ugly head while Christian is performing a lipo – he literally peaks his head through the window of the surgery room. I want to know how he was, like, able to get back there but whatever. Call me the continuity whore. Christian, of course, is like “how’d you get out of jail, b’snotch?” and Merrill tells him that he cut some sort of deal selling out Madame Rose. Christian could obv care less seeing as how Merrill tried to cut his face off, but as he opens the door for Merrill to leave Merrill sits down and proceeds to tell him about how he was repeatedly raped in prison. He’s at the office because he needs an anal retread done – who even knew this was a real procedure??? – and tells Christian he’ll be doing this for free. These docs are shelling out a lot of free services this episode – not really sure how that worked itself out. Christian, like with Kimber, asks why he’ll be doing this for free, and Merrill tells him that his prison husband was Escobar. Ooooh, dum dum dum. Who saw that one coming – Merrill would be Escobar’s pragg? Awesome. Anyhooooo, Christian gets it right away but Merrill also tells Christian that Escobar needs some work done and he and Sean are to go visit him in prison pronto otherwise Escobar will reveal the secret about “their mutual friend in the everglades…”
So, because Sean and Christian have no clue what to do having been bribed by a crazy man, they go visit Escobar in prison. The guards tell them that other prisoners burned his face and he, then, burned his hands trying to put out the fire on his face. If only firecrotch applied here. Anyhoo, so Escobar thanks the two for coming, which they think is hilarious since they didn’t feel they had much choice in the matter. He tells them that Merrill has no clue about what happened with Sylvio Perez and that whole burying him in meat thing. Escobar does have the evidence from that incident, though, and wants the boys to fix his face in return for finally disposing of said evidence. They call bullshit – how could he have the evidence? Let me introduce you to Alejandro, Sylvio’s brother, who Escobar had follow Sean and Christian to the swamp and he apparently snagged the body away from the alligator’s and has been holding on to it for collateral. Now they realize they’re effed and have to do the surgery. Escobar wants them to make him look like himself – the real Escobar – not the Escobar post them fixing his face the first time around to look like someone else. He tells them that the man they made him look like was a child molester, and he’d rather spend the rest of his life in prison as himself than spend another day living as a pervert. He’s already taken care of arrangements to have the procedure done at the McNamara/Troy offices – something about bribing a prison guard with a heroin habit. Clearly Sean is haunted by Escobar because every time he looks at his seriously burned face he sees the real Escobar – it’s this weird hallucination thing, and clearly Sean has some issues.
Let’s cut to Christian fusing Merrill’s arse back together – why Merrill is awake, I’m not so sure. You’d think he’d be asleep for something like this, even though it’s only laser. I mean, I’ve never had my anus retread, but it seems like something one may not want to be awake for. Christian asks Merrill if he wants the tattoo of Escobar’s name removed from his rump and, quite emphatically, Merrill says no – Escobar saved his life and he’s indebted to him blah blah blah. Merrill feels the need to tell Christian that being someone’s prison wife isn’t about being gay – it’s about surrendering. Christian feels the need to tell Merrill how much he likes control and being in control, which is why the two are sooooo different and why Merrill could never be like Christian. All while his ass is getting fused. It’s so … flagrantly metaphorical.
So – then we have a few consultation sessions with Escobar and then the big surgery. In his first consultation session with Sean, we become even more painfully aware that Sean is super duper haunted by Escobar – everytime he looks at his face or sees a reflection of him in a mirror he sees the OG Escobar – the real Escobar – and gets very visibly agitated about it. Escobar calls him out on his behavior and tells Sean he can’t be all freaked and shizz during the surgery. He also takes this time to remind Sean that he’s doing him a favor by not ruining his life by bringing up the whole Sylvio Perez thing with the cops. Sean then spazzes with the “you have no clue how shizzy my life is right now” spiel – my wife is sleeping with the little person nanny … my faux-son is having a baby with a crazy lady who likes Lord Xenu. Escobar tells Sean to confess about his affair to Julia – says it takes a real man to be honest and live up to his mistakes. Sean does the whole “wah wah, I’m not like you” speech, but…you can see that he’s now thinking about it and this is not going to help his “I’m haunted by you” thing.
Surgery day! Yay, Escobar is going back to being … himself! Christian and Sean go through the motions of showing him his new face on the computer-generated graph thingy and then Escobar informs them that he’s set up an insurance plan to make sure the boys do the best job possible. In walks Merrill, in scrubs, ready to supervise. Again, how he just gets in there is beyond me, but whatevs. So now we’re doing surgery – blood, cutting, skin graphs, etc – and then Merrill makes a suspicious move toward the anesthesia or oxygen or something, and then WHAMMO – he grabs Escobar and a scalpel holding the scalpel to Escobar’s throat. Blah blah blah I’m going to kill you for what you did to me in prison, who’s the bitch now, blah blah blah. Sean tries to talk Merrill down, eventually the guards get a hold of him, and Sean and Christian continue the surgery. Christian, of course, is like “why’d you do that” because had Merrill killed Escobar all their problems would, like, toooootally be solved.
Escobar is now in post-op recovery and takes it upon himself to remove his bandages. We go, Wow, because he looks just like himself but with a shizzton of stitches. These docs must be the best docs in the world to bring someone back from third degree burns like that – or maybe it’s Hollywood…Anyhooo, the night nurse shows up to dress the bandages, gets past the guards, starts talking to Escobar in Spanish. They seem awfully friendly if you ask me. Whoa, they are awfully friendly? Weird. Oh, wait, that’s really Alejandro, Sylvio Perez’s brother who’s brought Escobar a gun and intends to meet him downstairs in an hour with a getaway car? Who knew.
Christian comes into the McNamara/Troy offices after learning that Kimber’s baby isn’t his after all to find all of the prison guards murdered and their brains everywhere. Literally, everywhere. Yummy. Then it’s like some bad scene out of Halloween when he opens the door in the midst of total horror and the viewer’s like no don’t do it but he does anyway. Of course, he’s fine, but Escobar’s flown the coop and Christian, obv, looks scared shizzless.
Back to Sean and Julia’s kitchen the morning after the wham bam thank you ma’am session. They’re in the kitchen talking Conor, and she goes to shower. Sean then hears/sees Escobar telling him about how it’s obv he still hasn’t told Julia about Monica yet. Sean’s ignoring him, basically, because he’s convinced Escobar is a figment of his imagination. Why he didn’t seem more worried that he’s hallucinating a crazy person is another issue. Escobar then starts to tell Sean about how he plotted the entire surgery plan – and this is when Sean wakes up to the reality of “whoa, this bastard’s totally for reals in my house.” Escobar says the plan was tedious in planning, but the most difficult part was setting his own face on fire. Sick and sneaky. He really just wanted to thank Sean for doing the surgery, and returned the evidence of the whole swamp incident. That’s right – returned the evidence. Sitting in the den with his brains all over the lovely white couch was Sylvio Perez. Sean calls the cops to report a murder – kind of a weird way to go about it, but it’s his life, not mine. Julia, of course, is like what the hell is going on, which is when Sean decides to tell her about Monica and kablam – we have the end of the episode.
Join us next week when we go back to the future to the year 2026 – I’m sure it’ll be thrilling.
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