Nip/Tuck - “Gala Gallardo”
Hello ladies and gents. So here we are, at the season finale of Nip/Tuck. Am I sad? Sort of. To be honest, I was not a huuuuuuuge fan of this season. But, based on last night’s episode, it looks like next season is going to have some flayva flave (creative spelling intended). Unfortch, because of the nature of the episode, I don’t think the break-it-down-by-plotline usualness is gonna cut it, so we’re going to have to go chronologically.
We start out with Sean and Christian in Sean’s house. He’s hired some woodgie woodgie types to cleanse his home of bad shizz – like affairs, murders, divorces, Peter Dinklages, etc. He and Christian are packing up the house and Sean mentions that he’s gonna move to LA – the plastic surgery capital of the world. Christian tells Sean in turn that he’s officially been bought out – he is no longer a member of McNamara/Troy. Can you only IMAGINE how much that check was for??? At that exact moment, the woodgie woodgie peeps came out and say they’ll finish later because the “handyman” needed to finish. Arg? Handyman? Christian and Sean run in the room to find, yep, you guessed it, Escobar Gallardo.
Sean and Christian go to Escobar’s home for a consultation with his wife, Gala. Here’s the dilly – everyone hates Escobar. Duh. And while he was in jail, she was running the business and some of his enemies kidnapped her, tortured her, and chopped off her tatas. Of course, in true Nip/Tuck fashion they show this graphically, and it’s grizzoss. Escobar pulls out a suitcase filled with $150,000 – but the boys say no way jerk face, you’re soooo not our friend anymore. Escobar tried to threaten them, but Gala reminded him it’s not fun in the sandbox to make enemies.
And here comes Michelle walking to her car. As if we don’t know who’s prolly sitting in the car. Escobar’s there – predictability is fun! – and tells her that she’s way behind on quota and she needs to step it up. She says no way jerk face you’ll have to kill me first I’m sick of this crap. Escobar tells her he’ll consider her debts repaid if she fixes Gala’s boobies.
Hello, but we know that Michelle doesn’t know how to operate. How will she learn? Oh, by stalking Sean in the operating room as he is performing a breast enhancement surgery. She’s literally trying to ask every question as if she is an intern, he gets flustered, and then to cover her ass tells Sean she is thinking of going back to med school.
But, duh, hello, this is suspicious. So when Sean mentions something to Christian about it while Sean is packing up his office, Christian of course is all like, “huh?” Not to mention the boys are play fighting with each other because Christian is upset that Sean is leaving him. Seriously, the only point of this little moment is to tell Christian that Michelle said she wants to go back to medical school because then Christian will know she’s a big fat liar.
Which leads us to Christian confronting Michelle about her big fat lying whore-ish ways. I through the whore-ish in there, but y’all know what I mean. She’s, of course, trying to cover up her tracks but Christian knows something is up. At that moment her cell phone rings, and you just wanna hear “dum dum dum dum….” She makes up, again, a lie about a pipe breaking in one of Burt’s buildings and she has to go. She tries to throw the reverse guilt crap on Christian—“you wanna come with me to prove that I’m not lying?”—he says, no, he’s tired, and she walks out the door. But in my heart of hearts I knew he would follow her, and WHAMMO – that’s what he did. As she’s in the McNamara/Troy offices about to perform the surgery with her shaky hand, Christian walks in the OR.
Fight fight fight. Lies lies lies. Cry cry cry. In the end, she confesses all, but Christian does not. Interesting, I tell myself. This leads us to Sean and Christian scrubbing up. Sean has a sour puss look on his face. Seems someone didn’t want to help Michelle and Escobar in the middle of the night. Seems someone wants Christian to see what a big fat liar Michelle is before it’s too late.
In the OR, Liz is there and…she’s even less happy than the rest of them – seeing as how Escobar shot her and stole her kidney. Sean takes one boob, Christian takes the other boob. Toward the end of the surgery, Michelle comes in to watch, and Sean bails. He can’t even bear to look at her.
So, Sean starts making the rounds of his goodbyes and pops over to Matt and Kimber’s. Sean’s brought them a gift – money from the sale of the apartment and the practice – for a nest egg, kid’s education fun, or Matt’s education fund. Sean of course wants Matt to go back to school, but he’s not “outright” saying that. Then here come the floodgates. Sean asks how married life is. After a few phony “it’s great,” Matt breaks down and starts crying about how he thinks Kimber is still in love with Christian and married him to get back at Christian. Sean is trying to tell Matt that he doesn’t have to stay with her – that he can save himself now and get out while he can and in the end, it will only affect the baby. Kimber comes out, says hello – Matt tells her about the money and she’s thankful, but not as thankful as she should be. Matt goes into the back room and Sean tells Kimber that he knows she doesn’t love Matt. She tries to say she does, but…then backtracks and says she’s trying to love Matt. Sean aptly tells her to try harder, bitch whore.
Liz is now in the recovery room with Gala. They have an emotional heart to heart, which, I must say, I enjoyed. Gala thanks Liz for not killing her because she not only had the chance –she most certainly had the motive. Liz admits that of course she thought about killing all of them – but instead of answering said question, she wants to know why she married such a monster. Gala tells her that Escobar is weak man, an insecure man – and it’s the weak ones you gotta watch out for because they’re the most dangerous. She basically tells Liz she had no choice in order to protect her and her children. Liz thanks her, which confuses me at first – thanks her because when she leaves McNamara/Troy she’ll have to go back to her own hell and Liz will finally be free. This moment seemed a lot cheesier than it was.
Now we’re seeing Christian and Michelle having sex. Awkward. It was like the sex scene from Team America. Totally mechanic – and they’re talking about their “issues.” Just, awkward. Christian’s figured out that Michelle must have taken out some of the kidneys because otherwise Escobar would never have trusted her to even attempt the surgery. She’s lying some more. She wants to know what Christian’s hiding – he lies and says nothing. They stop having sex, turn on their backs, and it’s at that moment that the characters realize this isn’t gonna work and our life effing sucks.
Tada – the titty unveiling! Escobar is waiting with the Asian goons, and Sean comes out to tell him it’s time to unwrap the boobelehs. The minute Escobar starts to undress Gala’s … dressings … Liz comes in with a gun threatening to shoot Escobar. They are all trying to talk her down – clearly she’s nervous, but she’s angry. Gala finally gets her to put the gun down – well, she gets Liz to give the gun to her. We know what’s coming. And it does. Gala turns around and shoots Escobar point blank. Gala gets up, thanks them all for fixing her chest and walks out. Of course, Liz and Sean freak out about how to remove the body, blah blah blah. Christian though—always the thinker—has a solution. Next thing, they’re at the supermarket buying ham. I get a smile on my face, because…it’s so full circle. They take the body out to the alligator pit and bye bye Escobar Gallardo.
This is where the episode SHOULD have ended. But, guess what? It didn’t. Now we’re in the Encino Plastic Surgery Center of America where Sean is on an interview. The lead doctor is shocked and confused as to why Sean would want to work there. He just needs out, he needs a change, and voila there you have it.
This leads us to the weirdest musical interlude sequence of all time. We have a montage of scenes with all the key players from the episode all lip syncing to the same song. The song is about being happy, but not being happy, but you should be happy because everything in your life says you should be happy, but clearly—you’re not happy. Which, of course, is so fitting for everyone in the episode. I don’t need to be reminded that they’re all miserable via them singing a song about trying to be happy. Effing weird. The sequence ends with Sean in a routing eyelid surgery in Encino and his assisting doctor is, like, 12 years old and in awe that he’s in surgery with Sean. All of a sudden, in walks Christian. HUH? Christian sends the kid away to tend to his Lamborghini, and Christian tells Sean … in a very roundabout way…that he and Michelle broke up, Michelle bought him out, and he and Wilbur are moving to LA to be with him. They agree to reopen McNamara/Troy in Beverly Hills – . And there you have it – the end of Season 4 with the promise that Season 5 will be on the palm tree-lined streets of sunny Cali-for-ni-a.
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