Nip/Tuck - “Liz Cruz”
“Liz Cruz” – down the hatch and up the snatch
I think this episode can best be summed up by the eloquent words of Dr. Christian Troy when he said, “Down the hatch and up the snatch.” Such poetry. Well, episode number whatchamawhoowataa starts out with Liz the anesthesiologist sitting in Christian and Troy’s office gettin’ consulted about some plastic surgery she wants done. The boys are thrilled yet totally confused because Liz is the queen of the “beauty comes from the inside out.” Well, turns out ole Liz has a new girlfriend…a younger girlfriend (played by none other than the OG manhater Alanis Morisette)…and she wants to be lookin’ her finest. Even though the guys are diggin’ Liz’s change of heart re: el plastic surgery-o, they tell her it’s probably not smart to do the surgery now since, well, you know, she had her kidney stolen and everything. She goes whammo bammo on their asses threatening to go to another plastic surgery practice if they don’t do the surgery on her. Literally – one minute, she’s a happy lesbian who wants lipo, the next ANGRY and SCARY.
Turns out that Liz’s girlfriend, Poppy, is alllllsssssooooo an anesthesiologist. Seriously, how many attractive anesthesiologist lesbians live in Miami? Quite a few it seems. Anyhooo, Poppy seems like she’s not as deep on the inside…of her heart…as Liz. She’s trying to get Liz to run a 5K, and is essentially the driving force behind this upcoming plastic surgery ordeal. Ooooh, and don’t even get me started on the shizz she pulled during Liz’s surgery. In the middle of surgery – we gots Christian on one side and Sean on the other – somehow Poppy landed herself the anesthesiologist duties on that one – she starts talkin’ some sh*t about Liz’s body and how, basically, relieved she is that she’s having this surgery done. There were lots of “would you wanna wake up next to’s…” And after the boys finished the surgery, Poppy told them to keep going! She wanted Liz’s arms done, too. Oh hayl no. Are you serious? Yeah, this relationship is going to last. In Liz’s post-op, Sean was basically trying to hide the truth about what Poppy really said from Liz. I think Liz got the hint, cause Sean’s kind of a bad liar here, but…in the end, Liz is stickin’ with Poopy Poppy so we’ll see how this pans out in future eps.
So on to plotline numero dos – Christian, James, Michelle and the case of the holy stolen kidneys batman. James gets confronted by some carazee French speaking Asian dudes at a gas station, and they threaten to kill her if she doesn’t produce another kidney within 24 hours. In the midst of this, they pour gasoline all over her and light a cigarette, thoroughly scaring the bajeeesus out of James (Jacqueline Bissett). She says oui oui oui, I’ll get you a kidney and hops back in her car – agitated, but functional – and gets a phone call from Christian. He is pissed and wants James to send him a girl to make him feel better about not being able to have Michelle. James says someone will be there in an hour and a half. Well, three and a half hours later Christian’s doorbell rings and it’s not a hot young escort, it’s James. She and Christian proceed to get into the most amazing metaphor riddled banter about scotch and comparing a fine aged scotch to James (a fine aged woman?). This, my friends, is where the “down the hatch, up the snatch” line comes in. And wow, it’s my fave. So Christian grabs James in this extremely dramatic power struggle, but can’t follow through. Power struggle shifted when we figure out that James has drugged Christian, and after she calls Michelle to come over, we’re pretty sure it’s to steal his kidneys. Once Michelle arrives, we have confirmation that James wants Christian’s kidney, but Michelle’s like “bitch you can’t take this kidney, he knows who you are.” That’s when James tells Michelle she had noooo intention of keeping Christian alive, but if she can find another kidney in 21 hours, she’ll spare Christian. Whaaa, nuts. Then James takes a look at Christian’s package – totally unnecessary but totally hilarious.
When Christian comes to he is no doubt pissed and runs to the office to get Sean to give him a drug test. Turns out, yes, he was drugged with Triazalan. Sean is trying to ask normal questions about why Christian would have a call girl over, especially one that would drug him, and he ends up telling Sean about James and Michelle – i.e. Michelle’s secret ex-escort life. Sean, to his futile efforts, suggests maybe Christian should file a complaint, but Christian opts to handle things his own way. At this point I made no reference to the fact that the people who dispose of the biohazard waste at the practice had been on strike…UNTIL…James is in a garage, opens her car, and out comes spilling gallons of plastic surgery bio-waste – fat, tissue, skin…you name it, it ruined her Benz. Gross gross gross, ew ew ew. Christian wants another girl and James offers him some sort of peace treaty. Christian, of course, has no clue this carazee byotch needs his kidney or she’ll die. OH, but Michelle does, which is why she was horrified when she recognized a nice young woman sitting in their waiting area later that day. Michelle ran to Christian’s office to tell him not to go, but he wouldn’t hear it. They end up getting into a huge blow out argument – don’t owe James anything she’s evil, I want you but you’re still married to that invalid bastard, blah blah blah - that ends with Christian storming out of the office with Hottie McHottie pants.
Later Hottie McHottie Pants and Christian were gettin’ it on, when he gets up to go to the bathroom. While he’s in the bathroom, the chick pulls a razor blade out of her bag, and whammo we’re like “she’s going to kill him and take that kidney.” But then her celly cell bling blings with a message from James telling her to abort the mission. She just had needless sex for no reason, so she figures, hey might as well go back to enjoying it. He comes back from the bathroom and they continue on their merry way. Why did said mission get aborted? Because Michelle was able to procure a kidney. From whom? HER DEAD HUSBAND? Yeah, he wasn’t dead when she got home, but she knew he was on his way out and she’d kinda had it with him. So, she didn’t out right kill him, but she could have saved him. She could have at least gotten him his meds so he didn’t attempt to crawl out of bed to get them himself. Well, as soon as he was gone, out came the scalpel and there went his kidney.
On to our third and final plotline – Sean and Julia…and Marlowe, played wonderfully by Peter Dinklage. The realism he captures playing a little person is astounding. Anyhoooooooo, tensions continue between Marlowe and Julia – clearly these two have feelings for each other but it’s weird because she’s married, has a handicapped infant, and Marlowe is her nanny/little person. Julia and Marlowe end up going to a movie together when Sean gets home from work early and wants some alone time with Sean. There’s a lot of awkwardness before they sit down – he thinks she’s uncomfortable because of his height – she is uncomfortable because she has feelings for him and she’s married. They make out in the movie theatre, she runs out, he follows her – leads to the confession of said feelings. Which, I’d like to point out, is soooo stating the obvious. Like they didn’t know. The only thing we get from this exchange is that Julia is confused – about everything. She probably didn’t even know her own name at that moment, or remember that she forgot an “N” in her son Conor’s name.
The next thing we know, Marlowe is at Sean’s office having a consultation about leg lengthening surgery. Sean is totally baffled as to why someone would put himself through so much agony, and Marlowe tells him it’s for a woman he’s involved with – that she is uncomfortable with the difference in their height. Sean explains the disgusting sounding surgery to him and says that in the end, he’ll only get, like, an extra six inches tops. Of course, Marlowe then imagines himself back in line at the movie theatre ordering tickets, but this time he is six inches taller. And that makes him happy. So he tells Sean he wants the surgery.
When Sean gets home, he tells Julia about how Marlowe is a hypocrite. She, of course, gets defensive and doesn’t understand until Sean tells her that Marlowe came to his office because he wanted this procedure done to please a chick. She looks horrified/terrified/confused – then she asks what’s the difference between that surgery and what Sean is “doing to their son” Conor. Well, um, I’m no doctor, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. A full grown man’s bones do not heal the same way as an infant child’s bones. Confused is an understatement. Anyhooo, she runs out because she just can’t bear to watch Sean turn Conor’s thumb screws. Well, she runs right over to Marlowe’s apartment where he is “sexily” painting and listening to music. She comes in and tells him not to get the surgery. They then have the “what is this” discussion, which doesn’t really go anywhere because they don’t have much. She’s married, he says “but maybe not forever.” Which, to me, is hilarious. Best response from “the other man” ever. Where does this story end up? That’s right. In Marlowe’s bed. Naked. Sex. You get the gist.
When she gets home, Sean is obv totally wondering what kind of walk could take that long. She starts to lie. He probes. She lies more. He probes deeper. Finally she says that she doesn’t want to lie, that she was at Marlowe’s … because they’re friends and she wanted to run some things by him? Like her fingers through his hair? Like her tongue through his mouth? Yeah, so it’s here that our episode ends, and Sean gets the situation now. That look in his eye told me that he knew the nanny was doing his wife. Let’s see what happens next week!
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