The WT on: True Love
With the world awash in the tragedy of so many breakups, one has to wonder: what the hell is wrong with people? Why do they marry so quickly? Do they just like getting divorced? Just because someone is kind of hot or will buy you ugly man-jewelry after your crappy Boy Band days are over does not a true love make. Have they no idea what true love is?
I suppose I’m lucky, as I saw an example of true love at age eight. There were swains a-plenty, there were. Tyler Taylor (yes that’s his real name) used to leave me little cups of ice cream outside my front door. Jeff Martin (later named Fartin’ Martin in an unfortunate schoolyard incident) would jump off the roof of his house to impress me. Too bad his house was a 7-foot trailer. Not very impressive. But it was Steven, the older, world-wise, 9-year-old Steven Coontz who showed how fiercely true love can rage. Why did I have three suitors at the age of eight, you may be asking? No, it wasn’t because I was the only girl-child who lived in that neighborhood (even though I was.) Obviously, I was sex-ay. Look, here’s a pic of me from that year so you can see what a hot little dish I was.
It’s true…that chest is 100% natural!
Did Steven bring flowers? Write love songs? Promise to whisk me away from my trailer into a castle in the clouds? Hell no. Steven proved his love by swallowing things and coughing them back up.
Sounds simple, but of course, what is more simple…or more complicated…than true love? He faced man’s greatest fear–dying in a really stupid way–and kicked its ass.
He started small, with little balls of rolled-up paper. Then it was coins. And marbles. They all went down, they all came back up, perfectly formed, not even covered in spit. Once, in a moment White Trash kids would whisper about for years, Steven numbered three pennies 1, 2, and 3, swallowed them, and coughed them back up, one at a time, in order.
But a girl gets bored, and Steven felt like he had to outperform himself. Down went small rocks. Then some of his mother’s cigarettes. (He was so talented he was able to put those cigarettes back in the pack afterwards and she never knew.)
And, in a moment that truly made history, three pieces of chalk and an entire eraser when the teacher was out of the room.
That little snit Ronda Cummings blabbed to the teacher, though, and I had to go to the principal’s office and sign a form promising never to ‘encourage’ Steven to swallow anything again. Which in retrospect I guess was good, since Dwayne Morgan had brought his tackle box and its full contents for Show-and-Tell that day.
But it was a bitter pill for both me and Steven to (haha) swallow. He lost the most special thing about him, and my boyfriend wasn’t cool anymore. I dumped him later that year after he gave me a love note with too many spelling mistakes in it.
I wonder whatever happened to good ol’ Steven Coontz? I think he’s in prison now. Or else in gay porn. Luckily, he has a skill that will serve him equally well in both places.
So what did your man do for you tonight? Bring you roses? Chocolates? Wine? Ha. If he’s willing to swallow the cork and cough it back up whole, then maybe, maybe you have a keeper.
What do you do to show your true love?
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